Dear Shabby Super Scams: Pills That Do Everything

Dear Shabby,

Almost every day I am bombarded by advertisements claiming extraordinary and instant results for nearly every short coming I’ve ever had.  I hear radio ads, I get email spam, I read print ads, and I even see some of these wild ads on cable T.V., and each claims something absolutely incredible.

“Pill will make you taller, guaranteed!”  “It’s not your fault you are overweight.  Now you can lose 30 pounds in 30 days and eat all you want.”  “Secret formula now released!  Eliminate stress, eliminate hemorrhoids, eliminate toe nail fungus, eliminate unwanted fat, grow hair where you never could, and boost your mood by 300%.”  “Increase your size . . . ”  “Gain muscle instantly and become a bodybuilder in 7 days without working out.”

Shabby, do people really believe this nonsense?

Amazed and Confounded in Sequim

Dear Am-Con,

Yes, my fellow Sequimite, people do believe this nonsense, and they order billions (not millions) of dollars of these products annually.  Are Americans naive?  Absolutely.  Who in their right mind would take good money from their bank account and give it to someone they don’t know through the Internet to buy a product that cannot possibly reverse gravity or make a person taller by popping a pill.  I don’t find it so amazing that con artists make and sell these products.  Like you, I find it amazing that people are naive enough to buy them.

I do have a suggestion.  Why not create your own pill that performs all of the above miracles with one simple pill?  You could become a billionaire over night.  Remember, the key is not actually inventing it.  That’s impossible.  The key is not packaging.  They only see that after they pay.  The key is great sales script with fake photos, and that is the key to fraudulent success.   [Because we are writing about how naive people can be, I’d better actually state that I am only kidding here about making and selling such a fraudulent product.]

Send your questions to Dear Shabby at

Disclaimer.  Remember, Dear Shabby is not a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a trained counselor, a mental health professional, a lawyer, a teacher, a social services worker, a doctor, a nurse, a paramedic, nor anything else.  Shabby is a mother and a grandmother, which probably makes her more qualified to give sage advise than any of the previous professionals.  Neither Shabby nor this newspaper, nor the editor, nor any other writer for this newspaper endorses or agrees with Shabby in anyway at anytime on any subject.  We neither recommend that you take her advise, nor do we even encourage you to read her column.  We only publish her column to appease her sick desire to give others advice on how to run their lives.  She seems to get her kicks out of that alone.  Hence, we don’t pay her to write.  Of course, you get what you pay for.  Should you have any real problems in life, we recommend you immediately see a real professional who may or may not be able to help you.

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